The Studio

There are conversations that we're not meant to relive, and there are letters that are never meant to be sent, and many that aren't even meant to be re-read. But, I found the motherload earlier this week, stashed away in a well nested computer file folder, that's been traveling with me, desktop to laptop to laptop to laptop...

I stumbled upon these two letters that I had written to whomever I was into at the time, but clearly had not sent. Re-reading my letters, I can feel the emotions anew, the yearning and the aching, but the ironic thing is that I cannot for the life of me figure out who these letters were written for. Because the files have been moved around so much, the timestamps of the files are of little help. In fact, on one of the files, the create date is more recent than the last update date. Go figure.

Reading the letters now, I realize that they could be for just about anyone. These letters don't depict a unique emotion that I've felt once or twice in my life. They point to a rather unflattering MO, one that repeatedly gets my into trouble and does nothing but invite heartache.

The first letter shows how easily I fall for someone, even someone with whom I don't have a relationship. I build people up, paint them perfectly in my head, and nearly fabricate all the reasons why this guy, this ONE is the bestest guy out there and how I can't imagine being with anyone else, even though I've never actually been with THIS guy either. Unrequited "love", if you can call it that, is like the abusive relationship I keep returning to.

The second letter goes to show how insecure I can be. In the letter, I try to pass it off like this is the first time that any guy has ever made me feel insecure, but it's not true. On all accounts, minus in the romance department, I am a strong, confident, adventurous, and accomplished woman. Some of my colleagues even think I'm a bit intimidating. I get things done, I can lead, make decisions, act with conviction. But, when it comes to romance, I'm a mess. I don't trust my own judgement, and up until recently, I think there might have been a small part of me that didn't believe that I deserve the best. Perhaps this was somewhat fueled by my numerous experiences with requited "love".

The only reason why I would broadcast such personal introspection so publicly is because I'm trying to break a cycle, and there may be a point in the future when I'll need my friends to help me remember what it is I said today. It's taken me a long time to come to this realization, but I deserve to have it all. We all do. And, I don't deserve it any less than all the girls who've had their fairy tale dreams come true.

I deserve to be chased, to be swept off my feet, to have surprises planned for me, to be spoiled, to be the center of someone's world, to be at the top of someone's priority list, to be with someone who wants nothing more than for me to be happy, to be with someone who wants to make me happy, to be with someone who's proud to be with me, to be with someone who feels lucky to be with me, to be with someone who wants to tell everyone about me, and maybe even to receive a grand gesture. And I'm going to hold out. 30 year mark, dwindling pool size, and pairing off friends be damned (no offense guys, I'm really happy for you, I just don't want to be a 3rd wheel), I'm not settling. =)

And, because the letters were so generic, a glimpse into the love-struck Trang:

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There is something that I have been wanting to tell you for some time, but there has never been a good time. I've come to the realization that there may never be a good time. Even so, what I am about to tell you preoccupies me not for an unremarkable amount of time. So, well, here it is. You, are the rainbow in my sunny and sometimes not so sunny days. You make the best of days even better, and the not so good days bearable.

In my eyes, you are a pillar of love, kindness, and strength. You give so much to others, bring such joy into others' lives, it's wondrous that you have strength and love left to heal and tend to yourself. But quite the contrary, the well from which you draw is deeper than that of anyone I've met. I am so glad to have been touched by the rays of happiness that you scatter about you. With you, I feel safe, because I am cocooned in your warmth and gentleness.

As if that were not enough, you inspire me reach and strive for more out of this life. I am inspired to grow, to learn more, and discover more -- to cherish each hour of each day a little more and to use each one to its full potential. You inspire me to read more in order to broaden my perspective. You inspire me to not neglect my arts and to spend time nourishing the creativity in me. You inspire me to be more adventurous and to take risks, because that's when I'll surprise myself and become more self-aware.

Every hour spent with you passes as quickly as a single second. No amount of time spent with you seems to be enough.

I could go one forever listing all the ways you've touched my heart.

But, what I'm really trying to say is that I'm crazy about you.

I haven't thought through what happens from here, where do we go, what do we do. It doesn't quite matter. What matters is that you know how amazing you are, and what affect you've had on the people around you. It's rare that we meet someone who sweeps us off our feet or who helps us see the world in a whole new way. You certainly have done all that, and I thought you should know.

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Sometimes, I think this is just too hard -- that I shouldn't miss you as much as I do, that I shouldn't doubt that you miss me too, and that I shouldn't worry about whether or not you're as crazy about me as I am about you. But, I do. To tell you the truth, it's all caught me a little by surprise -- I didn't expect for my feelings to be so strong. Our friends will tell us that we're not each other's type; perhaps that's why they didn't encourage us. I'm certain that I also believed that you weren't my type, but sometimes we surprise even ourselves.

Sometimes, I get angry with myself, for telling you more than I mean to, for abandoning my fierce independence, for not being able to think of anything other than you, for letting my guard down around you, for not being able to resist calling you or IMing you, for coming awfully close to needing you.

I have no idea where any of this will lead, and I'm still trying to convince myself that if it doesn't work out, I'll still manage to walk away scott-free, but I'm growing less sure all the time. There's a small nag in the back of my mind that believes this time around, it's my heart that will be on the line, unlike all the times before. I hope that it doesn't come to that, that my fears are not soon to be confirmed. But honestly, what am I supposed to think? When I am always the one to ask when I will get to see you next, when I am the one to tell you that I miss you, when I am the one initiating contact.

At the end of the day, I can't be with someone who isn't crazy enough about me to want to shout it from mountain tops. I don't want to be with someone who can't stand the intensity of my emotions for them. I want you to be consumed by my fire, but much more, I need you to fuel it too.

You are like a puzzle I cannot solve, a code I cannot crack. When I peer into you, it is like peering in a canyon. You have such depth that I have never seen in others, so many layers, each of which is beautiful. But, from up here, I can't find a single route to guide me to the inner-most core. I wish you'd let me in.